A Beautiful Mess
by stonesonearth
Summary: Because it's just a mess. [Captain Hill]


**A/N: ****I'm having a lot of 'feels' today because I'm officially (and finally) legal, and a phone call back home yesterday gave me the inspiration to write this. I hope this isn't too bad.**

**All thanks to Alethea and Charis who brought me out of the dark hole and to captainhillshipper, whose stories never fail to brighten my day. :)**

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><p><em><strong>Lavender<strong>_

_She asked her father to redecorate her room. She wanted it to be blue – like the colour of the sky and ocean. Her father didn't say yes but one day he came home with a lavender in his hand. Smiling, her father placed the blue flower in her palm and said, 'Happy birthday, sweetie.'_

'_Thank you Daddy.' She said as she kissed her father's cheek._

_**Stories**_

_Christina, her mother's name and now her middle name. The way her father said it was different. She was only 6 but she knew her mother's name was safe in her father's mouth. She grew up listening to the stories of her mother and by bits and pieces from those stories, she slowly pictured her mother in her dreams and on the papers. _

_**Painting**_

_It was Father's Day and she wanted to tell her father that he was her hero so she'd painted a picture. Her father, young and dashing, was wearing the red, white, blue star striped uniform and holding a shield in his hand. _

'_What's that in your hand, sweetie?' he scooped her up and asked, pointing at the little girl she'd drawn next to her Captain America daddy. 'You drew something there, right?'_

'_Yes Daddy,' she giggled. 'It's a lavender!'_

_**Change**_

_The economy was bad. _

_Every time when her father returned she could smell liquor. At the age of 12 she thought it was the worst thing ever existed in the world. It ruined her father, her family and eventually, it ruined her. _

_She woke up in the hospital with nurses and volunteers around her, all looking worried and concerned but she shook her head and said nothing._

_**Wish**_

_She worked very hard to be good enough to please her father, but he seemed to grow more and more impatient with her. _

_She always believed that when things couldn't get worse it would get better. It was a wish, a tiny hope and a desperate cry. _

_But like wishes on the shooting stars, it never came true. _

_**Torn**_

_She stopped believing in God when she was 14, after the painting was torn and her blue pencil case was thrown away by her father. _

_She stopped drawing and painting ever since. _

_Her teacher thought it was a waste of her talent and asked her why. Again, she said nothing. _

_**Dawn**_

_It was her first time waking up in the nature. It was nice, she thought. No screaming, cursing and beating. Only chips of morning birds and rustling sound made by leaves in the morning breeze. _

_She continued to lie down there, on top of a hill where she knew nobody could find her. _

_The night before she had sneaked back to that small, filthy apartment to get her ID and every document she needed with her._

_She thought of changing her name, because Maria Hill sounded hundred, no. Thousand times better than Maria Anderson. _

_**Ice**_

_Everyone in SHIELD hated her, saying she was as cold as ice. She didn't respond to the nicknames because she didn't care. People only see what want to see and they hear only what they want to hear, she told herself. _

_There were a few people knew her well. They knew she wasn't always like that. Before the mission in Chicago and before the man who loved her died, she wasn't SHIELD's Ice Queen or Ice Princess or Fury's little bitch. _

_Nothing ever lasted, Natasha told her when the redhead caught her drinking in a club. She was the only person who knew that she had a drinking problem, something she'd inherited from that person. She'd forced her to quit drinking and she did. After six months she never touched liquor anymore because she'd found a better way to deal with guilt. _

_She moved on, by keeping a distance from everyone. _

_**Miracle**_

_She didn't know what he saw in her. She was a liar, a killer and a traitor. She wasn't kind and she was heartless. She'd caused the death of so many people. She didn't understand why he wanted her. She pushed him away again and again but he never gave up._

_She never said she loved him, but secretly she thought he was the closest thing she had to a miracle. _

_**Emptiness**_

_She didn't know an empty womb could cause her so much pain. She never knew she wanted a child so badly until she lost it._

_He didn't know. She never told him. _

_**Pills**_

_Everyone thought she committed suicide, even he did. _

_She was semi-conscious when Pepper found her in her office with an empty bottle next to her. _

_He cried. For the first time someone cried for her. The feeling was strange and she couldn't a word to describe it. _

_She told him about her loss – their loss, and she told him what really happened. She heard a baby's crying and she was scared. She told him how desperate she wanted to go to sleep so that the baby would stop crying. _

_He held her and asked why she never told him, and he made her promise to never do something like that again. He told her how much the thought of losing her scared him. _

_In tears, she promised she would never leave him. _

_**Smile**_

'_I thought you will be angry,' she said nervously. 'I thought you wouldn't want this-'_

'_Of course I want this,' he smiled and she smiled back in relief. 'What makes you think that I wouldn't want this?'_

'_I don't know. I, I just…' she shook her head. 'I didn't expect to be this soon.'_

'_But you want this, right?'_

_She nodded and he brushed his lips against hers gently._

'_A baby, Ria. We're having a baby.' _

_Clint told her that her boyfriend smiled like an idiot for the whole day but she loved his smiles anyway. _

_**Letter**_

_She didn't know what made her wrote that letter. Maybe it was because it was his birthday and she wanted him to know about her baby. She didn't expect him to reply, but she didn't know why it still upset her a lot when he really didn't. _

_He didn't say anything about it, but he held her for the whole day until she told him she was hungry and she was carving for pizza. He heated up the frozen pizza in their fridge and she jokingly told him that was his greatest achievement in 21__st__ century – not to be surprised by the 'ding' sound the oven made. _

_He tickled her until she promised no more microwave oven jokes. _

_**Parcel**_

_One day she received a parcel and found baby clothes inside. They were pastel blue, like the crayon she loved when she was 9. _

'_Who sent this?' he asked her. _

_She only told him it was from Chicago. _

_**Painting, part II**_

_After learning her boyfriend's identity, her father's jaw dropped slightly. He then brought them to another corner of the apartment and showed them a fixed painting on the wall. Steve gasped. _

'_You never told me you liked Captain America.'_

'_I was 9. I didn't know better.' She argued. _

_Both men laughed as she blushed furiously. _

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><p><strong>This is actually a story about forgiveness and reconciliation. I hope I've conveyed the message well. <strong>

**Forgiving abusive parents isn't easy. **

**I didn't know that there is such thing called emotional abuse until I came across an article about it when I was 14. I never realised what I had isn't the way it should be and I became bitter and I hated my parents. (Yes, I did hate them at that time.) My relationship with my family was distant and I felt lonely all the time. Then I started to stupid things. I cut myself, I made new scars on my old ones and I began to question the purpose of life etc. I had suicidal thoughts all the time but I didn't do it because of some stupid, funny reasons which I prefer not to share over here. :)**

**I choose to hold on to those pleasant moments I had with my parents instead of those bitter ones because I don't want to live in hatred and pain for the rest of my life. If you're having the same problem as me, or you're having it worse (Idk how to define worse but if you think it's bad, it's bad. Be it physical abuse or emotional abuse, it's still abuse. There's no such thing as 'have it easy' just because someone didn't get beaten or caned. In my case I had both and I can feel the pain for both), please don't hesitate to ask for help and support. I know how hard it is to release the old hurt and blame from suppression but you're going to make through this. You're going to survive. :)**


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